Return

Автор: Anastasia

"I…" he started. I couldn’t believe it: he was allowing his common sense win. "I’m sorry, Lindsay, I can’t let you go, I love you even if that means my death."

"Oh, Connor," tears streamed down my face as we stood in the cold of a Siberian winter, holding each other tight. It was the happiest moment in my life, I didn’t need anyone or anything else and I was ready to be through with all the pain and tears again for a moment like this. I knew he wouldn’t go now; we’d be always together. No one could part us, not even death, now we won. Our lips met. How long I’ve been waiting for this moment to come! How long I’ve been sad because I knew Connor would never be able to be led by his feelings and not by his common sense! But now it didn’t matter any more, this day set us free. We were both free from past and ready to begin a new life, no one knew we were still alive; we both were dead "while doing our job". Elsinger made us happy without realizing it. "Lindsay, you know what?" Connor whispered. I shook my head.

"I’m so glad I didn’t let you go. It would have been the biggest mistake in my entire life. As we came to Russia, I understood what you meant to me but it was already too late, a parasite was inside of me and I couldn’t tell you anything, not to make you suffer after I died. I lay in that dark room at the plant and my last thought was about you, Lindsay, I swore if I ever got a second chance, I’d tell you everything, time is too precious to lose it."

"We’ve got entire lives in front of us," I whispered back. "Our entire lives."

He smiled: "Sounds good like everything you say. Oh, we forgot Nicolai; he’s been waiting for us for ages. Come on, honey, let’s tell him he can go, we’ll be all right."

"Like everywhere you are," I added. We approached the car and Connor talked for a while with the man while I raised my head and watched the sky. I loved it, I loved the whole world around me: the low gray skies, the noisy town around me, the snow falling down. It was the place where I was together with Connor and that was all that counted. Finally Nicolai and Connor seemed to come to some agreement because Nicolai waved his hand at us and sped away.

"What are we going to do?" Connor looked down at me.

"Perhaps we should go to the embassy, there we could at least get some kind of passes, Elsinger has got all my papers," I proposed. Connor shook his head but two minutes later we were sitting in the warm corridor. "Lindsay, I hope you understand I can’t go back to US, not now, perhaps in some years," his face was serious. "I thought I’d stay here."

"Fine," I shrugged, "I’ll only need a few books."

Connor raised his brows: "Books?"

"Ok, tapes, I’ll have to learn Russian and what did you think? I can’t live in a land without being able to communicate with people."

"But Lindsay, you can’t stay here, you have to return to US, how do you imagine a life out here? You’re a young woman, an investigator!"

"And you’re an old man who’s just about to die!" I mocked. "Doyle, wake up, I’m not going anywhere without you, if you decided to stay here in Siberia, I’m staying here with you."

"Lindsay, you’re being impossible," but there was tenderness in his face, I knew he wasn’t going to let me go alone back to America. "We’ll return both," Connor finally said. "It’s the only right way, we can’t run away from Elsinger but we can make him retreat. And then if the new boss doesn’t mind two rebels, we could stay in O.S.I.R," he looked in my face, looking for a sign of an approval or a disapproval.

"What are you waiting for? Come along to the ambassador!" I smiled. We stood up and suddenly Connor asked: "Lindsay, if I tell you to jump from the plane while it’s in the air, will you do it?"

I nodded: "Of course I will." He shook his head: "You’re impossible!"

And we both burst into laughter.

II. Connor

I didn’t remember when I first came to the idea that I loved this woman. I could clearly remember the first time we met, I liked her then for her straightforwardness and her charm but I didn’t realize I loved her until we came to Russia. It was a horrible case and a horrible time. I knew Elsinger was on my heels for a very long time; we didn’t get on well together from the beginning. I just couldn’t stand him but it wasn’t till we came to Archangelsk I realized how he hated me. Then I understood the real Elsinger, I saw his naked face. Elsinger was a murderer, a cold – blooded master of the game he played. I didn’t want to play the rules though I knew them and so he decided to "punish" me in his own way: to kill me.

Here I was now, on the plant, the parasite inside of me torturing me and causing pain. But this physical pain was nothing compared to my mental anguish. I felt guilty. Lindsay, she’d the first to suffer when I was dead. I wished it were different, I wished I could tell her how I loved her, how I wanted everything to be. Now she would never find out, it was too late. I only wished she found someone who could understand her just the way I did, so that she didn’t suffer. My team. That was another uneasy thought. During the time I spent with them, they became my family where I felt really at ease. Not in the last time though, I mentioned Elsinger hated me and that he was only looking for a reason to hurt me. Well, he achieved his goal; I wasn’t going to bother him any more. Again Lindsay. She lingered, she didn’t want to leave my mind just like she didn’t want to leave me as I sent her away. I knew she would like to stay, to be with me till the end. Was it possible she loved me? Now I would never be able to find out, it was too late for me too.

As I put my hand on the starting lever, I saw her again as clearly as if she were really by my side. I saw her face: so dear and close, laughing, frowning, close to tears, determined and straightforward as only she could be. Lindsay, my dear Lindsay…

Explosion shook the world around me, throwing me into the darkness, far from any pain.

I opened my eyes and tried to understand whether everyone who got to Hell or to Heaven felt just like I did. I was lying in the snow, a gray sky with heavy clouds above me. I’ve never been superstitious and so I could easily understand I was still alive. Then I heard voices, talking in a strange language. It took me only some minutes, then I found out they weren’t speaking English but Russian, the language I mercifully managed. The voices grew louder, coming close, I could hear they talked about the explosion and were going to look for injured. I had to stand up, to make them find me. Strange as it was, I felt safer with Russians now that I understood Elsinger’s intentions. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t regain control over my body, I couldn’t get up. No, I kept saying to myself, I’m not going to die now; I’m going to survive. For Lindsay, for our future. I had to talk to her, I had to confess to her, to explain her my feelings until it was really too late. Then another thought struck me: she could be in danger as well. Knowing her determination and zealousness, I could easily imagine the danger hovering over her. I had to stay alive, not to let Lindsay get trapped the way I was.

So I gathered all my strength and cried out in Russian: "Help, I’m over here!" Immediately I heard the men coming to the place where I was lying. "Oh, God, you must be injured," they carefully helped me to get up.

"Can you walk?" one of the men asked.

"I don’t know," I answered, thankful to the fate for them.

"Never mind, we’ve carried heavier things," he replied with a laugh. "What’s your name?" I wondered.

"Nicolai and yours?" I wavered about telling them the truth, then decided to be as honest as they were: "Connor Doyle."

"Then you’re American," this was more a statement than a question but his tone was still friendly.

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