The Way to Go

Автор: Anastasia

Lindsay saw him walk away and fought to hold back tears. Every part of her body and mind was aching to stop him. How could she? He has made his choice. Too much harm done already. This was even worse than it used to be. To find him and to lose again.

"Colleen ," she sobbed quietly, holding her daughter, "what have I done wrong?"

Connor hurried down the street, avoiding looking into the faces of surprised people around him. It wasn’t until he stopped at a traffic light that he understood, he was actually running. The visit turned out exactly the way he has feared: Lindsay would have forgiven anything – everything – but not betrayal. Which was what he had done. Unwillingly, having no other choice but it was a betrayal. He closed his eyes and was back in Lough Erin.

The acute pain and the burning inferno around him was gone. As Connor opened his eyes he saw a white ceiling. He turned his head to the right, which cost him an effort and saw a window with white starched curtains. The blinds were drawn so he couldn’t say what the weather was like or whether it was night or day. Another powerful effort was to look to his left. There he saw a dark headed woman, bending over her knitting.

For a moment she didn’t move, then she turned and smiled at Connor: "Hi, it was just about time you woke up, darling."

Almost immediately the memories came crushing back. Elsinger, his snaky smile, saying: "Connor, you’d better watch out, we don’t know what the creatures are like."

Peter: "Connor, let me help. We’ll get out."

And then Lindsay: "Connor, please, don’t go. Don’t." Her gray eyes darkened with worry, the lovely face distorted with pain. She didn’t want him to go. If only I could tell her I’m okay… Connor pulled himself together but still couldn’t manage to rise on his bed.

"I have to tell Lindsay," he whispered.

"Everything as long as you stay quiet," the woman said still smiling.

"I don’t want to stay quiet, I want to get back to team," he tried.

But she shrugged: "If you don’t stay where you are, darling, you’ll get seriously injured."

"Who are you?" Connor asked. He was quite sure he has never seen the woman before.

"My name’s Rebecca Doyle."

"Doyle?" he was flabbergasted.

"Of course. And you’re Connor, aren’t you?"

"How do you know?"

"Very simple: you’re my husband."

"What?" Connor jerked up and exhausted fell back on the pillow. "Married? Of all people to you?"

"Yes, darling. But of course you are. You just don’t remember it. I can understand: I thought that I’ve lost you six years ago but looks like you’ve returned to me."

"Six years? What are you talking about?" Connor had a sinking feeling that all the control was slipping away from him.

She stood up and left the room. However very soon she reappeared, carrying a calendar. Connor looked at the date and gasped: "God, it can’t be true!"

"But it is. I know, it’s a shock for you but I’m quite sure you’ll recover very soon and we’ll have a wonderful time together."

"Ok," he finally agreed, "I understand that I’ve disappeared six years ago, presumed dead. What I don’t understand is how I can be your husband. I’ve been married only once, my wife and my baby daughter died back then."

"We didn’t have any children, Connor, but you must be confused," she interfered quietly.

"No, I’m not confused. I’m Connor Doyle, I’ve been working for OSIR and if I would marry again – it would be only one woman. I’m sorry, but it’s not you. Her name is Lindsay Donner."

"Sounds American," was the stranger’s comment.

"She is American. Just as I am."

"You are not, darling. You’re Irish, just like me. And I’ve never heard of OSIR."

"Irish?" a horrible realization dawned on him. "You mean, I’m in Ireland now?"

She nodded.

"Oh damned," that was all Connor could manage. He rarely swore but this time he couldn’t help it. "Damn Elsinger, how could this swine do it? I wish I could kill him?"

"Whom?" Rebecca looked scared.

"Oh, never mind. I’ll see to it as soon as I feel better."

"Don’t sound so cross, Connor, darling, it’s so unlike you!"

Connor wondered how she could know him that well.

Rebecca stood up: "So I’ll leave you now, you must have some sleep, you are exhausted. But I’ll come back later."

She exited the room before Connor could raise any objections. He stared out of the window but not even sunshine – Rebecca opened the blinds to a bright day – could cheer him up. How did he come to Ireland? Why was he here? Was that another dirty trick Elsinger tried to get rid of him? No, that was unlikely. As far as Connor knew Elsinger would not stop at just sending him away, but would try to kill him at all costs. Then there had to be another explanation. However, Connor could think of none. He wished he had enough strength to get out of bed and go to call his team. But even to turn his head was an effort. So he remained lying, staring at the whitewashed ceiling and thinking of his team. Thinking of Lindsay…

"Connor, how do you like the new curtains?" Rebecca didn’t smile at him, but frowned. "You don’t like them. I see."

"Rebecca, it’s not that I don’t like them," usually he was quite patient with her but seeing Lindsay made him feel vulnerable and angry," I just don’t feel like discussing such useless stuff."

"Useless stuff?" she exclaimed. "What do you mean by "important" stuff then?"

"You won’t understand, Rebecca," he shrugged, feeling tired.

"What do you mean?" now she too, was furious.

"It’s about real feelings, Rebecca, between two people, right?" Connor exited the room.

"Wait, Connor, you can’t just walk out on me, Connor…" he didn’t even turn around.

"You can’t just walk out on her, Doyle!" exploded Lindsay.

"But I thought…"

"She’s got nothing to do with our relationship, okay? How can you treat her that way?"

"Linds, you don’t know her, you can’t understand what I’ve been through…" Connor wished Lindsay’s eyes would lose the cold look.

"But I understand what I’ve been through, Connor. So I really can imagine what you feel. However that doesn’t mean that Becca has to suffer for that. It’s none of her business. It’s not her fault that things turned out the way they did."

"Who’s responsible then?"

"Me. And you. And the whole world. For making the wrong choices and taking the wrong chances, Connor," her eyes glittered with tears.

"Lindsay, don’t do that to me and to you," he asked.

"Connor, please, I can’t see you like this. Take the papers you wanted and get out. Or I’ll go. And don’t cause Becca more trouble. She’s suffering as much as you do."

"Then she should get the divorce! Stop believing I’m the reincarnation of her dead husband!" Connor almost shouted.

"You now don’t look like Doyle I used to know," her voice softened. "I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much pain. Perhaps I should quit OSIR and leave the town."

"No," unconsciously he reached out and took her hand, "don’t talk such stuff, don’t leave me. I beg you."

"Okay," Lindsay stood up, "but don’t even hope things will ever be the same. We had a chance, Connor. We didn’t take it."

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