A Quiet Presence. Part I

Автор:  Ravenschild

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Journal Entry:
“You know Connor, I never thought the night could be so cold or lonely as it is now without you. I didn’t stop to think that being alone would make my skin crawl with the knowledge I may never be warm again. How could I have known? How could I not have known that life would be this cruel? What was it I was supposed to do again? I forget sometimes what it is that you wanted of me.

Oh yes, forgive. I guess you want me to forgive you for leaving me? I really don’t know if I can; you left me no alternative but to go on, have a life, such as it is.

As much as I miss you, sometimes I think you got the easy way out. I have a crushing pain in my chest that I wish would just stop for a moment. If I could go home and not see you in every part of the house, smell your essence in every pore of my skin, then maybe, just maybe I’d be able to sleep and let my dreams take me home. But even sleep evades me and I am left with nothing. With all you have left me, with all that I am capable of being I have nothing now but my work, the rest is hidden, far away and too deep, sometimes I can’t even find me anymore. It should be getting easier Connor, but it’s not, I’ve kept your silence but soon my friend, my love, it will break. I cannot continue as I am without a face to talk to, to share, to know how much I miss you, how much you mean to me still. No one knew Connor, and I have kept your counsel but for how much longer will I be left to offer up hollow platitudes to a God who no longer cares?

My Dad would be so proud. I’ve never been a spiritual man, but lately, well I’ve been down on my knees and I know that it’s not a miracle I seek, just some justification that I can find a reason to believe in life again. My heart died with you in Russia. So many secrets you kept from me, Connor, and my regret? All of it. Not you, I never regretted being with you, but they didn’t even leave me with your body to mourn, there is no closure for me and this wound my love is striking deeper into my heart than you could have imagined.

Elsinger had me back at work within seventy-two hours, and I’m sure he knows about us, he’s playing me like you said he would. Giving me no time, fuelling their anger against me with well placed words and even those I rely on have taken his bait so well. He’s good. Lindsey has done nothing but bitch at me, deriding me personally and professionally for leaving you behind. She thinks I’ve forgotten the jab about Peter Axon boy hero and not being responsible enough to save you, but what was I to do? Does she even stop to consider what I had to do? What I left behind, and even if she didn’t know damn her, why is it impossible to give me a moment to grieve you without being labelled the Judas in their midst? If nothing else she could believe we were friends.

You know I expected more from Anton, he said that Lindsey was transferring her anger to me, that she was incapable of understanding the events that took our dearest blood from us. That it was her feeling of helplessness and that I should in her eyes have done something. Even he said to me it doesn’t matter what he believed it’s what other people believe. Great, support from the resident psychiatrist for the flaky physicist. I don’t think so! Even he blames me. I looked into your eyes and saw that you were dying; I could feel it, sense it and even with your last breath you poured out to me what little love you could give freely in such a place. To stay safe, to get away, to leave you, that you’d cover me and let me escape.

No one ever asked why I did you know. Maybe it was because you never in all the years I knew you never lied, to me. You kept things from me about your past, but you never lied, and I believed you. No other reason, I was shit scared, those parasites were surrounding us and I would gratefully have gone into hell with you but you didn’t want me to die there with you. You saved my life, saved all our lives, and yet still those closest to me are leaving me solely the blame. Perhaps, just this once you were wrong, it would have been better to let me come with you. Anything is preferable to this life you want me to have. Your will was always stronger than mine and no doubt in time I’ll understand what you did, but for now, Connor, even now I resent you for leaving me here to face this alone. Oh God, I miss you Connor.” Matt Praeger looked up from the laptop on Peter’s desk, the silver shot head rested uneasily on the desk as the man sighed softly in his sleep. He’d been worried about his colleague but never understood the reasons for his quicksilver nature. Well not fully, he put it down to exuberance, single-minded hot headedness, but this was not something Praeger should know. Not without Peter telling him face to face and he understood now the dissolution of even their tenuous friendship.

“Lindsey treats you like you’ve got the plague and then I blame you for leaking the information to Kelly, who faked his own death, when it was Lindsey who betrayed me all along.” Matt pinched the bridge of his nose as his thoughts swirled. “You know Peter we were never close friends, but hell I didn’t think we were enemies either, why didn’t you come to me instead of withdrawing from us? Why did you let us keep hurting you?” Preager’s thoughts danced in circles as he rubbed at his face and looked down at the sleeping man again and with as much stealth as his lanky frame could muster left the room and quietly closed the door.

“Matt?” Anton fell into step beside him in the corridor outside of Peter’s office in the OSIR Central Lab. The maze of corridors was never free of people, the human mass moved in an endless stream. The only concession to Peter’s seniority on staff was that he had his own office Elsigner gave him nothing else.

“You got time for a coffee Anton?”

“You need to talk?” Anton quirked one long white eyebrow up and smiled crookedly.

“Yeah.” Matt’s face broke into a broad grin, belying the truth of his concern. Without a backward glance he headed towards the commissary.

~~~***~~~

“I need an assessment.” Matt finally ventured as they sat down with their coffees.

“I wasn’t aware you were on a case at the moment.” Anton sipped and winced as the hot liquid burned his lips.

“I’m not, this is personal, and yes I know it falls outside protocol. If you’d rather I take it elsewhere I’ll understand.” Matt cradled the mug in his hands.

Anton reached out and squeezed the tense shoulder and smiled. “You haven’t told me what the problem is yet. Besides part of my responsibility to the OSIR is to maintain the mental health of the senior personal, both on and off the record.”

Matt breathed a sigh of relief and crossed his long legs under the table. “I have a friend.”